Ramblings of the Hapless Victim

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 22:25:54 GMT

i am getting married in whidbey island july 2011.
http://www.whidbeycamanoislands.com/

check it out.

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 03:27:43 GMT

i have been downright amazed at how well my family and family friends are taking the engagement. i mean my dad took a while to warm up, but he is doin ok.
my parents already offered to help pay and the perrets said they would handle the dress(s)

i bought lizen a ring of her own today.
people keep asking me how this all works.
who asks who.

and honestly i dont have the slightest clue.
all i know is i refuse to play gender roles.
lizen is as much of a woman as me and she deserves her friends and family to coo over an engagement ring too.

i look down at my left hand and just beam. beam at a piece of jewelry. its so not like me.
but its not that its a giant shiny rock. its that that shiny rock means that i am gonna spend the rest of my life with lizen.

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 09:53:49 GMT

the amazing stress of this month is really getting to me. which is just getting silly because i am handling things quite well, and on top of that if you peek just past the stress storm there are really really amazing things.
for the sake of my own sanity i will list them now before i go to sleep.

1.in one month i will not live in this apartment anymore. i know that its a beautiful luxery apartment, but the reality of the situation is, its a constant reminder that i was raped. sucks. but its true. because of this i see potential in just about every house elisa, ashley and i look at.
A: living with elisa. ashley is gone- like a lot. and lauretta and eleanor don't talk back. having someone there when i get home at night will bring back a very missed sense of comfort and home.

2. christmas at home. i adore my family's christmas traditions and i love how they are expanding. i can't wait to spend a full week at home just enjoying my friends and family. no work, no tragic circumstance. just people i love. plus my sister got a puppy. what is more fun than a puppy i ask you?

3. Backspace is becoming more and more like a second home. i am becoming very close with all the people there and its starting to feel like a little family. plus its great to have "my boys" again. when my group of boys bailed on me when nat and i split i had a bit of a void for a while. this is nice.
last night we closed early and made backspace into a war zone. we made forts and stole someday's strobe lights and fog machine. we played queen really loud, got drunk and had a nerf fight. it was a blast.

4. i have a partner. not just a girlfriend, but someone that even at my weakest moments i know i want to spend the rest of my life with. she supports everything i do and feel even when its kinda ridiculous. she is really helping me focus on what i really want to do with my life, and how to do it. i am just a better person because she is there.

5. i keep getting news of people expanding in love and family. i have been gone a year and in that time elaina and john had a baby, anna had twin girls, matt has a son, betsy is glowing knowing she is having a daughter. nia got married, andrea got married, emily and harrison are getting married, and so is kelly. this year has just been booming in that feild huh?

6. and before i go to sleep i have my kitties. yes, they go on the list. because honestly i don't think i could have done this without lauretta. i couldn't have come home to an empty house every night without knowing without a shadow of a doubt that lauretta would run to the door to greet me as soon as i opened it. and as much as i have been trying to make eleanor a tiny lauretta- she isn't. she is a straight up cat. so she is kinda a dick- but she keeps me entertained- and well someday she will love me as much as lauretta.

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 22:59:03 GMT

last night was lizen's make believe birthday. it really isn't untill the 18th, but much like everything else important to me- i can't be there.

we did manage a good time though. we met up with gilbert and chaz at the Voyer. had a few drinks. watkins and bays joined us. then we walked over the the fishtail to bother tah. and well before you knew it there was a good dozen of us, drunk as all get out at jake's doing bad kareokee. all and all i would say it was a good night.

but it did give me the first taste of things i will be missing this month.

the worst of course being the yule ball. the fact that i am not going to be there and be a part of it, just doesnt even seem true. to me, the yule ball has become what christmas is to me. i really feel like i am missing christmas. the night of the yule ball i am going to be catering someone else's party.

i will also miss taylor graduating college.

i will miss lizen's family christmas party.

i will miss lizen's 30th birthday.

i am glad the backspace holiday party isn't until jan 3rd... so i can at least be a part of something.

getting a house together to move into after the holidays is proving to be more difficult than originally acpected. we thought we had everything done. picked out a great house. and then bam. no house. so we are back at square one.

this sounds like a complainy post but i didnt really mean it to be that.
things are good really for the most part. i just get really sad knowing what all i am missing.

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 21:48:28 GMT

i am bursting with excitement to go home TWICE in two months! and the first time is in a week! i can't wait to sit on la france's front porch, have a cocktail with my dad, play with my dogs, see besty's pregnant, meet anna's twins!!! god so much. and i get to bring lizen. i can't wait for all my important people to meet the girl i love so much. i am really not worried about it all just excited.... ok, scratch that. i am a little worried about my dad and my aunt meg. but i really think once my dad sees how happy i am he will be able to get behind it. and i dont really give a rat's ass what my aunt meg thinks.

last night was the Left for Dead tournament at backspace. its a lot of fun. teams are usually regulars, or other businesses on our block, like old town computers, and ground kontrol. usually people wear some level of team uniform. of course team backspace couldn't be like everyone else. they came in bunny suits. yes bunny suits.
i was in the back making vegan clam chowder ( i am not even kidding) when a giant pink bunny- aka flash- came running is, closely followed by giant white bunny- aka brian and frank the bunny-zack.

they stayed bunnies all night. i am an adult. this is my adult job. here in the real world.

my job has bunnies.

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 23:43:59 GMT

i can not wait to go home for the holidays. i wish i could just take the whole month of december off and just be home.
i also can't wait to move out of this apartment. its sad that such a nice apartment has become such a trigger to my nerves. but it just is. especially when ashley is out of town, which ranges from 2 to 3 weeks a month!
i think my nerves will be a lot better when we get a house with elisa. i don't like living in an apartment building anyway. i can hear people in other units. and i know they can hear me. i don't like it. plus, life without a front porch is lame.

works going ok. i have been spoiled all month with all my weekends off, but that ends in december. december is gonna kick my ass. and without my weekends i don't know how often i will be able to see lizen. which makes me all colors of sad.
i won't be able to make it to atlanta for the yule ball. which i can barely believe is true. i look forward to the yule ball all year. but i guess there is nothing i can do. i guess thats just part of being an adult. i won't even be able to make it up to olympia for lizen's 30th birthday. i already feel bad for the people that have to work that day with me- its safe to say i am not gonna be in "the holiday spirit."

but i have to look on the upside. i get to come home for both thanksgiving AND christmas. i am actually really lucky. i just have to repeat that again and again and again.

its only november and i am so over the rainy season. which is a damn shame, because there is still 6 months left of clouds and rain. it has only began. the least it could do is storm. some thunder and lightning, you know? just to add a wow factor.

i guess i don't have a whole lot new to report.
i found homes for the kittens- thank god. minus eleanor. i kept her.

lets see anything else.....
working on my 3rd childrens book.... have a show in december.... my work is currently at the hands on children's museum.....

michael and i are trying to start a weekly awesome night. where once a week we get together and do something awesome. we are gonna try to do that tonight, but that depends on how late i end up at work.... may have to be awesome tomorrow.

now i am just babbling. jesus christ the sun is already going down. its not even four! effing winter.

text message conversation.

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 21:16:29 GMT

"i dreamt the kittens multiplied and started to dictate my life."

"well, did you feed them after midnight?"

"shit! maybe i made warecats!"

"you did. oh dear. what will we do?"

"i dunno. i mean i don't feel they deserve a silver stake through the heart, but well my safety is in jeopardy here."

"you are number one. don't let their cute kitten faces fool you. they are viscous wild wares!"

"i know. i try. but they hypnotize me into loving them with their doom laser vision."

"you need 3D glasses to see through the doom."

am i a bad person or an awesome person?

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 18:42:40 GMT

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 08:05:38 GMT

i just got home from work. it has been a slow grinding week. but now its weekend. always welcomed and embraced.
i am home alone, freshly showered with a glass of wine and some chocolate yogurt. i basically live on yogurt and potato soup when i am not at backspace/someday or when ashley isn't home. its not that i can't afford anything else. i can.... i am just in a yogurt and soup phase.... i don't ever want to eat solid things...
i blame lizen. she got me started on both.

i have been thinking alot lately about how little lizen and i have in common. i actually love it. it makes it easily to learn from each other instead of feeding off each other.

lizen loves math. it calms her down because there is always a right answer. you "can't be wrong." i find this confusing because when it comes to math i feel like i am always wrong. i never even get my bank deposits right. lizen wants to work some at H and R block for tax season....

she reads science fiction and lesbian crime fighting mystery novels and novellas. "they are fun." she says. she read a bit out loud to me the other day while we were lying around. it was about a group of people who lived in a mountain and wanted to make it beautiful so they made a forest inside the mountain. she proceeded to read on as the book explained how they were doing such a thing. "you can't plant a redwood IN A MOUNTAIN! that is just dumb" i said. "its a story, not a biography." she replied.

she is the type of person who knows the names of all the different fish in the sound and north pacific. "its a flounder!" i would say. " no baby, its a halibut."

she likes football and was in the olympic primaries for curling. she would have gone to the 1997 winter olympics, but had to have a major surgery. i had to wikipedia "curling" when she told me.

her religious background is native american. she tells me stories about orcas that turn into wolves and tribes who believe we all came from a giant clam. i still wont let go of my rosaries.

she budgets, balances her checkbooks, doesn't drink very often at all, and always checks my food for msg so i won't get sick.

basically all we really have in common outside of a love for each other is when i say. "i don't like that squirrel. i think its been following us." without skipping a beat she will reply with something along the lines of "its clearly in the CIA. we should probably keep this conversation in code to confuse it. we don't want the Chinese to know our ways."

leaves are changing. green to red.

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 18:58:37 GMT

natalie was here for a long weekend, that of course was great. i wish it had been longer. i feel like she was only here for a day. we had a great time though. we went over to mt hood and hiked, went to a wine tasting and over to fullsail brewery. and saturday night we had some good one on one time. something about her being around makes me talk about things i usually won't talk about. and despite how much i loathe talking about somethings i can understand why its important. she should be on a plane right now. hopefully she gets home safe and sound.

work is good for the most part. its really the first job i have ever had where i feel truly respected by my peers and superiors. FINALLY i am not being treated like a child. its not the job i want.... but it pays well and its in and about my field of study. so thats good. this week is first thursday week, so i will probably want to pull out my hair and cry at some point. but i have a beautiful 3 day weekend coming up with lizen. we were originally gonna go to astoria for the weekend. but decided it would really be more practical and just as lovely to do things in and around portland. its just nice that we both have a long weekend at the same time!

i am finally starting to push my artwork again. i had a big lag time. i didn't want to paint. it was too much time alone with myself. and i am just too sensitive to work in such an intimate way when i am still recovering from trauma. but i have talked to a few galleries in LA and they are very impressed with my work so i would like to pull myself together and work towards that.

i can not WAIT to get the kittens out and into good homes. the constant care is exhausting. i know i am keeping one... but one kitten is infinitely easy to deal with than four. and they are still on the bottle.... and still not litter trained. i mean its fair they are only 2 and a half weeks old. but STILL!!!

oh and also, i really miss my friends from home.
it was weird i was looking at my schedule and was like "oh yay. i have off on anne's birthday!..... oh wait.... so what..." sigh.

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 19:32:47 GMT

mothering 4 less than two week old kittens = round the clock work and stress.

in other new natalie missed her flight. so now michael and i are playing road trip up to seattle to go get her. wooo. fun.

in other other news the first weekend of october lizen and i miraculously BOTH have a three day weekend. we are looking at kitchy bed and breakfasts in Astoria.

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 18:21:46 GMT

oh thats right. i am a sap.
so i told many of you about stalker kitten aka tar baby. i got him a good home through a rescue yadda yadda. what i didnt know is that stalker kitten had friends. tiny tiny little friends.

so now ashley and i are bottle feeding 4 teeny tiny little kittens. they have been cleaned up. de fleaed. their eyes are most the way open. (they were full of guck but i fixed that)
so yep. they are will me now. i think i may have found homes already too. dinna wants one, michael wants one, angela's boss wants one and me and ashley want one.
i just have to get them on solid food. i imgaine i have two weeks of foster care before they get homes.

in other news natalie is coming tomorrow!!!!

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 02:28:57 GMT

i finished my super secret adorable project for lizen today:

its a book. a blank book. like a journal only its completely hand made- and took for fucking ever. i made it because she has mentioned that she is scared the distance will inevitably be a problem. we really don't live that far apart. only an hour and a half... but we both have crazy schedules and it can get hard.
so this book is meant to be a way to write letters to each other. we can write back and forth. trade it back to the other every time we see each other.

ironically upon finishing it she called me frantically happy that omsi had called and offered her an interview monday morning. they already had a phone interview and seemed really pleased with what she could bring to the table.

its crazy exciting. the idea of having her in the same city as me is thrilling.

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 20:42:11 GMT

this week has been crazy intense for so very many different reasons.

most of my personal craziness was backspace and someday lounge. going from working from home with a couple hours here and there at backspace to a whirlwind of overtime was a bit much.
but the work for back space and someday will totally save my ass as far as budgeting finances are concerned.
ten bucks an hour plus tip share is actually more than i thought, mainly because i didn't know about the tips. an extra 40 bucks a shift on top of 10 bucks and hour brings me closer to 15 bucks an hour.... which is kinda awesome. though i am still really working toward a career with architecture.

last night i celebrated a well deserved night off at a super trendy and posh puruvian restaurant called andina's. i had what i can easily say is the best cocktail of all time. it was tastiness at its best. and lizen and i shared seared tuna and an assortment of three different types of creme brule as elisa and ashley feasted on there duck and steak. (elisa and i are bond and deterred to learn how to cook duck)

today is a lazy rainy day, and i have to go to work at 3. i secretly hope it is really slow but there are two shows going on so i doubt it will be.

tomorrow elisa and i are planning a hike at mt hood to tamanawas falls. hopefully the weather will behave. fall is ambitiously approaching. you can feel it in the air.

u

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 19:35:30 GMT

i think i am gonna rather enjoy my new responsibilities at backspace. i mean of course the money will be great and stabilized my goal to move to NE portland in january with elisa and ashley.

but mostly i just like the broad range of things i do. It will be hard to get too bored. I still have all my gallery work, i am waiting in the office for jesse reno right now. but now i also get to work the bar and play in the gormet kitchen. work shows, do the shopping at whole foods. its just a little bit of everything.

my favorite i think is working in the kitchen, which i should have really seen coming.

i get the kitchen all to myself. they have an ipod hook up so i can sing and dance in private. and all the food i prepare is fresh and organic. there are no friers or microwaves.
yesterday i spent the better part of an hour making coconut black beans, in that time i decided chopping dried peppers is something i love to do as much as alberbra. but good all the while.

joshua, on of the managers just came in here to ask how i was gonna work the back and the office at the same time today.... i replied simply by saying "its going to be a long day."

to which he replied, "have you seduced elisa yet?" to which i almost lost my coffee all over my paper work.

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 02:55:38 GMT

annnnnd exhale.

i had a good 24 hour scare that i would have to move back to atlanta. the very concept of moving back in with my parents and getting an education degree was apparently just enough for the universe to kindly offer me a bone.

a rather nice bone at that.

Eric offered to give me more responsibilities at Backspace. So now I run the gallery, still for my 20% commission but i also will help Dinna run the kitchen.... work the bar during shows.... ect. ect.

I am pretty happy about it. actually i think the word is thrilled.
I start on pay roll tomorrow.
"I mean you have already worked for me for 6 months.... I guess I could pull some strings."

also the model shop at elisa's firm will be looking for someone in the next month or so. I have met many of the model shop boys and she talked to the head of the model shop to get me an interview. it prolly wouldnt be till around november but making that kind of money while still creating would pretty much blow my mind.

but on that note i am gonna finish up press for jesse reno's show and Music Fest North West and go over to Elisa's for beer and a movie.

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 04:00:54 GMT

"i just bought a lovely mum bush" - me
"is that lesbian slang or something"- taylor
"no. its a plant." - me

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 20:32:58 GMT

as of late, minus a few snaff-oos, i must admit i am basically in love with my life.

tomorrow i hand in the complete originals of my second publication Penelope Pilkington Had a Dream.

Ashley and I get a long to a point i would have never guessed, despite 20 years of friendship.

my cat is wearing a polo designed to fit a medium sized dog.

Michael just moved to portland and we snapped into friendship without even trying.

I spent a portion of last night sitting in a tiny chair reading Frog and Toad a loud to Michael and Rupert.

I love Lizen a little more each day.

Saturday I judge the annual Dip-Off in Alberta. it IS as cool as it sounds.

Next month's show is Jesse reno ( http://www.jessereno.com/ ) which i have been waiting for since i started working with Backspace.

waiting to hear back from my next set of work. in the mean time i am rocking out the domestics.

nia's wedding is coming up, which means fun with Nia, julie and Anne.

yesterday.

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 20:09:18 GMT

it sucked. here is why.

the doctor said we needed an attorney for insurance to pay for our injuries from the car accident. they recommended an attorney. we called him.

the day started with mr lawyer's secretary calling us and asking if we could meet at 9:45 instead of 11.

so we got out of bed. and borrowed steph's car to go see the lawyer.

he seemed pretty legit and helpful. so we hired him. he said that day we needed to get lizen's car to "lacey collision." call enterprise. get a rental car, but most importantly go see doctors.

so we go back to the house. give steph back her car. call Lacey Collision. Call enterprise. Make a doctor's appointment for Lizen. (most of my problem is my shoulder, and after almost 10 years i am more than aware that there is little a doctor can do past give me vicoden and send me to a chiropractor.... so i will go see a doc when i get back to pdx)

Mike comes to pick us up to take us to Lacey.
The estimator looks at the car. gives us the run down. fuck. there is no way this car isn't totaled.

now we are running late for the doctors appointment. we figure we will go there and then get the rental car.

mike drops us off at the doctor and goes to run errands.
the doctor decided lizen needs xrays.
then she decides she needs to be admitted to the emergency room.

le sigh. i feel kinda like death. my shoulder is throbbing. i haven't been able to eat or drink coffee.

at this point mike is at work, so we call on steph again to pick us up from group health and take us to enterprise on her way to work.

she drops us off at enterprise. we go to get the rental car and of course.... they won't give us one. Lizen lost her License somewhere and has a paper temporary one. A license good enough for the washington police.... but not good enough for enterprise. he told us we had to go to the DMV. which of course we couldn't because now we were stranded at the rental car place- steph just dropped us off and went to work- and we were SUPPOSED to be at the ER.

(oh the day only gets better from here)

so we are sitting on the side of the road. I am trying not to mention that i could eat one of the rental cars, and that my left arm felt like it was going to fall off because lizen looks a shade off from death.

finally we get a hold of Molly. who eventually comes to pick us up and take us to the ER.

The ER does what feels like millions of tests and such over the course of many hours. Lizen goes in and out of looking like death and holding a conversation.
while i sat next to her hospital bed being as cheerful as i could be with out food and proper caffeine. I tried to hold her attention with a discovery show on yellow stone. then one on the collosal squid. then ugly betty. then friends. then the news. then sex and the city. then two episodes of frasier then law and order......

finally a bit past midnight they discharged her, with the demand that she makes an appointment to go BACK to the doctor in the very near future to talk over any and all results.

fortunately i got a hold of molly again, and her and her boyfriend left the party they were at to come get us. Molly was great at holding up a chipper mood, my ability to do so sorta died around hour 6 at the ER.

they drove us home, and kindly stopped at a jack in the box so i could eat something.
we got home around 1am.
and even in her half comatose, full o' drugs and pain, lizen looked up when the DMV would be open for the next step of our journey.

she is there now. Gilbert took her.

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 19:47:24 GMT

(we is cute, no?)
taking a break from penelope pinklington. i am so close to done with this book, which is both good and bad. good because i will be done and receive a massive check. bad because well, i have nothing else planned. I NEEDS MORE WORKS! how is it i am either swamped or free as a bird?
there is still a rather huge chance i will be teaching come fall so maybe i will just take my free time and stay with lizen in olympia.
i could handle a week reading on the pier watching the seals and otters SLAUGHTER the salmon. seriously its a blood bath.

its a lovely feeling i have right now. only recently have i discovered that i really am completely in love with lizen. for a minute i wasn't sure- manly because i find myself not sure of anything these days. it almost feels like the independent thought portion of my brain sorta broke down when i went into shock. i mean i knew i was very fond of her. I new i was very comfortable around her (which is big for me.) I also knew no one had ever treated me better. but in the past few weeks it really sank in. its a nice feeling. I haven't really put my heart into anyone since nat. sometimes i would blame that on being heart broken, but i know now it was really just because i hadn't found anyone worth the risk.

i think feeling at home with someone i love has really made everything easier. i don't fret as much about work- but still always work towards my best. i don't feel as uncomfortable and violated in my own home and skin. i feel closer and closer to being a real person again- not a victim.

i have dreams, goals and love. all within my reach.
I was right to assume 2009 would be nothing like 2008.

if you are reading this, there is a good chance i adore you as well. thank you for every ounce of support and love you sent my way in these past few months.

i apologize for the sap. sometimes its a necessary evil.

a peak into my VERY interesting life

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 22:13:16 GMT

9 am: wake up
9:30 am: actually get out of bed/ make coffee/ feed lauretta
10 am: fuck around on the internet
11 am: work on book illustrations
12pm: meet elisa for her lunch hour
12:15 pm: argue about food carts, end up going to the same one we always do.
1:15pm walk elisa back to the firm- late
1:30 pm: work on illustrations
6pm: make dinner for ashley and me
8: go to backspace. file papers. drink free beer.
9: get a drink with elisa
12am: go to bed.

and that is my very exciting weekday schedule. for weekend schedule just add lizen, traveling, whiskey and sleeping in.

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 18:37:24 GMT

this has been the most luxurious non-vacation vacation i have ever been on. I say non-vacation because i still have been trying to work about 6 hours a day, and ashley goes on business meetings about 6 hours a day. but we have been staying in nice hotels and eating at some of the nicest restaurants i have ever been too. last night we were out with one of her co workers and he nonchalantly asked for a bottle of the remonstrants "top shelf pinots."

its been insane. and california is basically just what i thought it would be. i swear it could be a separate country.

this weekend we are going on some tours and making better use of the night life. we also plan on driving home on route 101 right on the pacific ocean.
sometimes i wonder whose life i am living.

in less good new lizen was taken to the hospital last night with a massive infection in her intestines. this scares the shit out of me. A. because i can't be there to sit by her bed and take care of her, B. i am scared her previous surgery to remove the tumor could be the root of this.
i just want her to be ok. she is increasingly important to me.

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 01:06:22 GMT

it feels like another lifetime from my assault on march 29th. i prefer to call it an assault. rape is a terrible word. rape is a terrible act. i don't think i could function like i do if i used that word in my thoughts.

its becoming more and more apparent through my cleverly displaced anxiety and trust issues that i am in no way dealing with what happened. i think my real goal is not so much to deal with it as it is to erase it from my memory.

i am trying to work towards dealing with it, working through it. and apparently according the the "professionals," a good place to start is acknowledging it happened, and not being embarrassed or ashamed.... because i am not supposed to take any responsibility for what happened.
well, this is me acknowledging it.... talking about it. but the idea of not being ashamed seems impossible. i have a hard time not feeling in anyway responsible as well. i get that it wasn't my fault. but i have a really hard time not feeling like i could have done more. fought harder.

i rarely cry about it anymore. it received enough of my tears. i just build big walls around me. i know i am losing contact with people close to me. people that mean the world to me. i love them, i want them in my life. but i keep walking further away hoping i will end up somewhere i don't feel dirty. somewhere i don't close my eyes and see blood on the kitchen counters.

i wish so badly i could still embrace the idea of Christianity. that i could repent, or pray the rosary and it would mean something to me like it once did. sometimes i really want that blissful ignorance i had in high school back. but thats gone now. its not coming back. i need to find solace and safety within my own reality.

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 18:06:43 GMT

my muffins are a full 10 cents more in washington than oregon. i protest! buuuuut that doesn't mean that i am not eating an almond poppy muffin as we speak.

after the shit fest that was last week lizen surprised me with a train ticket up to oly. its been a welcome break from the week. friday her grandmother was in town from hawaii so she took us out to a fancy lunch at the marina. and over to the farmers market.

lizen and i were dropped off at the lacey movie theater like we were 14 so her grandmother could shop and we could go see harry potter. (i think they did well with that movie)

and yesterday lizen and i met up with this lovely girl molly, who reminded me of a sane version of jensen to go to lake fair. lake fair is a pretty intense all out carnival so we stopped at jacke's on 4th first for happy hour- to tolerate lake fair. we each had about three or four drinks and skipped out of the bar into the carnival. we were right... more fun that way.

and this morning i am sitting alone at lizen's kitchen table hoping none of her roommate's come home so i can get work done. bbq and lake fair fireworks this evening. need to work. tata

braidedmoth13@hotmail.com — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 00:50:28 GMT

i went into ashley's room to borrow the perfect necklace to accompany the perfect outfit i bought today for my interview with the director of art for life on thursday.

i found this really pretty and simple black beaded necklace. just what i was looking for. then i remembered something. i lent this necklace to ashley when i was a freshman in high school.